Brian's Fabulous Fall Home Maintenance List - On Bizarro World

It's fall here on earth and time to get the house ready for winter. For some of us the house needs to be ready for cold, and for others maybe only for cool-er or wetter ...

Fortunately for us, it is spring on Bizarro World. You remember Bizarro World? From the Superman comics? On Bizarro World, the cubed planet Htrae (Earth backwards), everything is opposite or backwards of what it would be on earth. The people are grossly ugly, they try to break things, lose money in investments, wash with dry dirt - well you get it. And everything they do is considered the right thing to do.

Since it is spring, Bizarro Worlders are trying disrepair their houses in time for the cold weather. I publish their list, perhaps for the first time in history:

• CO Monitor - break the test button so it can never be pushed.
• Pests - why bother? Let them run free.
• Moss on the roof - perfect! Leave it alone.
• Gutters and downspouts - keep them clogged!
• Boilers - an unsafe safety-relief valve not tested is the best relief valve.
• Furnace - never, ever oil anything.
• What's an HVAC filter? Don't even check for one.
• Caulk nothing, leave gaps, don't eliminate mold or muck.
• Smoke detector - why have them anyway? But break that button too.
• TPR valves - testing is always a bad thing.
• Hose bib - leave on full power at the indoor valve so it freezes.
• Water heater - it is illegal to hook up a hose and drain a little out.
• Toilet - hopefully it rocks on the floor so badly it can't be tightened.
• Septic system - it should be years and years of never pumping it out.
• Private water system - never add pressure to the blue tank.
• Smoke detector battery - remove now! Don't replace!
• Foundation - slope toward the house and don't extend downspouts.
• Wood-burning chimneys - let the creosote build. And build.
• Kitchen inspection - grease should get thick on everything.
• Refrigerator - sweep dirt under it and never vacuum the coils.
• Garage door - should it work at all? Never oil anything.
• Disposal - bones clean it really well. Baking soda and vinegar don't.
• Fire extinguisher - don't bother checking the pressure dial!
• GFI's - those buttons should be stuck and don't do anything anyway.

Well, what do you think of the list? Enjoy!

Hopefully it helps. Read it carefully!

Keep it in your pocket and pull it out as you walk around the house.

It should come in handy.

And, as to lists, we all use them and we all need them.

And remember, old Preservation Contractors and home inspectors never die.

The just grow listless...

Is Your House Covered

"Having an unoccupied home can create several insurance implications that typically are not covered under a standard homeowners policy."

Homeowner policies are meant to insure homes that are occupied, so they generally include exclusions for neglect or property abandonment on a home left vacant or unoccupied for a specified number of consecutive days.

In insurance terms, a vacant home is one the resident has moved out of and taken his/her belongings with him/her. An unoccupied home is one where the resident is not staying at the home, but the furniture and other belongings remain.

Because vacant and unoccupied homes pose a higher risk for damage than occupied homes, insurance companies insure these properties differently and usually at a higher price.

These risks include break-ins, no emergency response and property liability. When a home has been unoccupied for awhile, it can show signs that nobody is around—unkempt lawn, full mailbox, no lights on— tipping off burglars to an easy target.

Without anyone home to call 911 or respond to emergencies, a manageable problem—such as a small electrical fire—can turn into a much larger,more costly disaster.

There is no one present to prevent others from entering the property or to supervise activity, which could increase the likeliness of an accident on the premises or property damage when the owner is not there.

The definition of vacancy and unoccupancy can vary from policy to policy. Some insurers may not pay claims if a home is vacant for 60 days or more. Some policies might automatically shift to a different amount of coverage (e.g., liability insurance only) after a specific number of days unoccupied.

Many policies have a "vacancy clause" that can be triggered if the homeowner is gone for an extended period of time. If this happens, the homeowner could violate the terms of their contract and some or all of their coverage may not apply in the event of a loss.

"Before you decide to leave a home vacant or unoccupied for a long period of time, talk to your insurance agent or company to learn how they define vacancy and unoccupancy, and whether the company will pay claims if a house is unoccupied.

"Be honest about your situation, because while an extra policy might cost more, it could save you money down the road should there be an accident or damage to the home."

Many insurance companies offer an endorsement that will provide coverage for a dwelling that is unoccupied for an extended period of time. Vacancy policies can also be purchased for different term lengths to cover a few months to a year, depending on the need.

The cost of vacancy coverage depends on the company and state in which the property is located, but costs usually are higher than a typical homeowners policy due to the overall increase in risk.